How Well Do You Handle Stress as a Real Estate Agent?

Everyone knows, of the top five most stressful life events, moving ranks number three, after death and divorce. We talk about this in real estate all of the time. It’s a shorthand way to describe the high level of emotional stress that we have to navigate around a real estate transaction. But is this accurate? In the midst of a move myself, I felt compelled to do some fact checking as it falls into the category of general knowledge that often goes unreferenced in so many articles and on so many websites.

Turns out the research dates back to a 1967 study conducted by Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe where they asked people to rank 43 life events in order of stress. Below is the list, from most stressful to least stressful.

HOLMES-RACHE STRESS SCALE

1. Death of spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury or illness
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours or conditions
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. Change in social activities
37. A moderate loan or mortgage
38. Change in sleeping habits
39. Change in number of family get-togethers
40. Change in eating habits
41. Vacation
42. Christmas
43. Minor violations of the law

Moving does not, in fact, take the number three spot. The third most stressful life event (if you combine divorce and marital separation) is a jail term. I slap my hand to my forehead. Duh! Of course, serving time in prison is more stressful than moving. I’m glad to be reminded of that. At least I’m not in jail.

“We all react to stressful events differently both in the way we approach problem solving and the conditions in which the event occurs.”

Moving doesn’t really make the list at all. Change of residence does, coming in at number 32. But I think they are referring to the actual change of physical space. Having a mortgage is number 20, immediately following “change of arguments with spouse.” Interesting.

Everyone loves the simplicity and mock authority of a top ten list but the truth is that we all react to stressful events differently both in the way we approach problem solving and the conditions in which the event occurs. For example, my level of stress around moving would be next to nothing if I could just snap my fingers Mary Poppins style and have boxes pack and unpack themselves. (Or I had just paid the extra money for the packing service instead of being so cheap and controlling.) Additionally, no two moves are exactly alike. You can’t compare me moving down the street to a Ukrainian refugee fleeing war to find home elsewhere. It’s hardly apples to apples.

Richard Lazarus, an American cognitive psychologist who rose to prominence in the 1980s, had a theory about how humans cope with stress. He posited that it is not the event itself but the individual’s perception of it that causes stress. Lazarus called this the “appraisal theory,” referring to how humans appraise and cope with conflict or a difficult situation. He broke it down further into “primary appraisal,” the act of first assessing and deciding whether there is real threat, danger, harm or loss, followed by “secondary appraisal,” the cognitive process of figuring out what coping mechanisms are available. It’s empowering to think of the decisions that we make at both the primary and secondary stages here. If our decisions directly impact how stressful something feels then we have some level of control over it.

You yourselves deal with a tremendous amount of stress management in your job—both for your clients and for yourselves. Even if moving doesn’t rank on the list of 43, it is still commonly stressful, as is borrowing hundreds of thousands of dollars, as is fighting with your spouse, as is adapting to new physical space. It’s no joke! They don’t teach you how to manage other people’s stress in real estate school but they should. At the very least, there should be a chapter on the psychology of a buyer and seller. And typically we are not taught how to handle stress in elementary school, though we should be. We figure it out for ourselves, some of us better than others.

How well do you handle stress on a scale of 1 to 10? What are your coping mechanisms? How good are you at helping others manage? Are your assessment skills, both primary and secondary, working for or against you? Navy Seals are trained to deal with stress in the most beautifully basic and biological way: they breathe. It’s called 4 x 4 x 4, or tactical breathing. You inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts for 4 minutes. Put that one in your toolbox. It helps, I promise. I just tried it.

Until next week,