We know that a rose by any other name would, in fact, smell as sweet. What we don’t know is if a toilet by any other name would smell as…sweet (ew). I could tell you at least 100 different names for a toilet, but what you need to know is where to find the cleanest ones in Manhattan for those times when love lets go and nature takes over.
1. Best Buy in Union Square
Legend has it that when you have a full bladder in Union Square, you cannot relieve yourself in a better place than the Union Square Best Buy. In most cases, you only expect a bathroom in places that serve food, but leave it to good ol’ BB to really rock our worlds and turn our tables.
2. Crate and Barrel in Nolita
While cruising for a vermilion wicker basket that will perfectly fill your foyer’s need for the perfect accent piece, take a pit stop in the the restrooms to enjoy 1-13 minutes of clean and safe relaxation.
3. NYU Buildings (look for the flag)
We all know what it is like to be skipping down the downtown streets and be suddenly hit with the sudden urge to immediately relieve yourself. No? Is that just me? Anyway, the key to gaining access to these pristine thrones is to blend in with the students. Alec Baldwin, you’re out.
4. Angelika Film Center in Nolita
The perfect storm of popcorn, diet soda, tears, and a midnight screening of the 1960 classic “When a Woman Ascends the Stairs” can stir up even the most solid of guts. Have no fear, the restrooms here are highly revered in the Nolita community.
5. Bloomingdales in Soho
It was the best of times, it was…well, it remained the best of times. Do you know why? Because when Shelly from the MAC counter broke down because she couldn’t meet her sales goals, she had a really well-maintained place to cry. Thanks, Bloomingdales!
6. Bryant Park at 42nd Street and Fifth Ave
Park people are some of the most fascinating specimen on the planet. Where else can you get such a mixed bag of humans in one location at one time? With that said, you would assume that the restrooms at Bryant Park would also be a mixed bag. WRONG! They are just lovely.
7. JCPenney at Manhattan Mall in Herald Square
Who would have guessed that a Texas based retail giant would put so much thought and effort into the up-keep of their porcelain thrones? Next time you are in the Manhattan Mall, don’t settle for the mall restrooms. No no. Treat Yo’ Self!
8. Ace Hotel in NoMad
Ah, New York. The city that offers “mini rooms” for $229 per night. Don’t fret though, you don’t have to pay a premium to drop your… premium. The lobby restroom is an almost-literal breath of fresh air.
9. Rockefeller Center in Midtown
This one may be a given. With 22 acres and 19 buildings, you would kind of have to assume there was a suitable place to do your dastardly deed.
10. The Marriott Marquis in Times Square
Hotel bathrooms are usually a safe bet. All you have to do is mumble that you are going up to the fourth floor to see Mrs. Robinson as you pass the concierge desk. Walk with purpose as you make your way to the boom boom room.
12. Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle
What Time Warner may lack in reliable internet service they make up for in stellar facilities in the Time Warner Center. Seriously, there are TVs IN the mirrors! What kind of witchcraft is this?
13. Police Stations (everywhere)
I mean, they can’t turn away a citizen in need, can they? As the only non-cushioned place that NYC’s finest put their derrieres on in any given day, police station toilets/restrooms are top notch. Anyway, it is always gratifying to enter a police station on your own free will. You haven’t lived until…
14. Bloomingdale’s at Lexington Ave and 59th Street
Same story, different “Shelly from MAC.”
15. Barnes and Noble on the Upper West Side
If you’re anything like my father, you don’t buy books. People like you (Dad) will instead spend hours every day reading the newest Dean Koontz novel from the commode in the back of the Barnes and Noble store. So, B and N, I thank you for your dedication to cleanliness on behalf of my Pops.